Strength is a Treat

Since my diagnosis, I have been dreading going to my doctors appointments. I've cancelled. I've pulled a no call, no show. Hell, I probably would've called in sick if I could. (Wait, we're still in a pandemic so technically, I could!) But there are times when I try my best to encourage myself to go and push past the fear and dread of that examination room.

Today, I have three appointments starting at 1pm and since I've been home from the gym, I've probably laid around for about an hour to let me girls hang. Today's appointment will determine my surgery date and follow-up protocol so I had to spend time with my girls because we don't know how much more time we'll have together. This is actually new for me because for the most part of my life, I've always wanted a breast reduction. Not this way, though. (More on being specific with your prayers later.)

While lying around and listening to some Gospel and Contemporary Christian music and trying to keep a positive attitude and remember God's word, fear started to creep in. Immediately though, I randomly thought of a former manager/friend. I let my thoughts travel regarding her. It traveled to wondering how her relationship was going, imagining visiting her in her hometown for a double date and then explaining to her why I don't smoke cigars or drink like I used to. And then finally the thought of importance wondered how much time I would have been given to have all my appointments today if we were both still working at our former employer. And then I remembered how she would talk me into going to my mammograms by telling me to go to the appointment and treat myself to one special thing afterwards.

And I needed that reminder. I started to think of one thing I wanted so badly but hadn't indulged in. My mind started racing to all the options of food, clothes and cosmetic options I had. I immediately silenced the food option because 1. I knew I was hungry so of course I was thinking about food and 2. I cut out a lot of things in my regimen and was debating on making today a cheat meal. Clothes wasn't really an option because I'd been working out and my body was changing in the best way. I wasn't ready to purchase any new items that may not be worn. Cosmetics weren't a major desire because I'm pretty basic and picky when it comes to what goes on my face.

After I fed my hunger pangs, I remembered what the technologist from my MRI told me. "The fact that you're here at your appointment means you care about your health and you're stronger than you think. Now that you know what's going on, you can make changes and live life." So I settled on strength being my motivator to go. Knowing that I'm strong for going and not giving in to fear gave me strength. Now, keep in mind that I'm writing this before my appointment so my appetite may tell me to treat myself with a cheat meal afterwards.

My point is this, find your motivator to get you going and stay positively focused on what's on the other side. Keep in mind the one thing that's going to get you to and through your appointments. Keep your eye on the end goal. Right now, my focus and end goal is what my new body is going to look like with smaller boobs and a bomb body since I've been working out. Currently, my nipples touch my knee caps (not really) so the new body is what keeps me focused on getting through this. I'm not vain, I'm hella optimistic because after all this, I deserve that body!

Now, if you say, "Aht aht. That's not going to help" then by all means, treat yo'self to whatever it is that will get you going and get you through those dreadful, arduous appointments. But just a heads up, try to stay away from sugar, carbs, and alcohol; cancer feeds off these food groups. I promise, we are definitely diving into that SOONER THAN LATER.

Be strong! Get it done! And treat yo'self!