Back to Life... Back to Reality...Too Soon

It's been almost a year since I published my last post. And man, oh man has it been a hell of a time. Since my last post, I had two surgeries; got a cancer free report; I may or may not have fallen in love; completely fell off the healthy bandwagon... Most importantly, I realized I hadn't given myself the time to fully heal and embrace the changes I had gone through.

Cancer sucks. Regardless of how you choose to fight it, it sucks. However, there was so much I learned during the process and so much I am discovering even after the journey. What your doctors, nurses, radiologist, technicians, etc. won't tell you is that although the multiple processes of physical healing are done, there is still a journey you have to embark on in order to heal emotionally and mentally and to stay healthy.

My last surgery was on November 3rd and once my two week recovery was done, I just knew I could hit the streets. Actually, I thought I could return to work 3 days after my surgery but boy was I sadly mistaken. After being forced to stay home from work, I realized that I underestimated what I had gone through, but I didn't take the time to process and digest that. Shortly after the bulb drains were removed, me and my new boobs were ready to hit the streets and find the nearest heaux-tale mo'tail. I was ready to fa la la la la and have a hoe season. I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure hoes don't be catching feelings. Like a moth to a flame, I caught feelings and got burned. Calm down, I didn't get burned in the literal sense; "I ain't no puta. I'm Connie! I keeps my panty clean!"

I got burned emotionally because I tried to hop into something that I wasn't ready for. There was a void that I was feeling and thought that having a "hoe season" and some "fun" would alleviate the pain and bring me back to reality. Instead of taking the time to fully heal and process the diagnosis, the surgery, and the removal of a lot of my breasts, I thought what I was missing was a sense of normality. However, after a swirl of a toxic relationship, some emotional rollercoasters, and a funnel cake of suicidal thoughts, the most amusing part that was missing in this park of life, was me.

In a counseling session I was having with a pastor from my church, she asked me, "When you had your surgery, do you feel like your womanhood was taken?" I sat on the phone and repeated the question as tears ran down my face because it was at that moment that I discovered that the thing I had been in search of was the woman in me. While my breast didn't define me, there's something about having them that just made me feel like "I. AM. WOMAN." Which is ironic because I had been screaming for a breast reduction since I was 18 (be specific with your prayers).

Now, here I am, months later still pondering that question and embracing this journey to rediscover the woman in me. I'm embracing a journey to fully heal and nurture myself to optimal health, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm embracing a journey to keep me out of the streets for now since they let the hoochie daddies off the porch. Imma still look, though. "Hey, gray shorts!"

This is what the Breast Factor is all about... Overcoming breast trauma and taking time to nourish the woman within. It's about learning to look both ways before we cross the street because if we cross too soon, life may knock you off your square.

Join me on this journey to just be in the moment. It's not perfect, it won't be pretty or easy but it'll be worth it.