I'm Not Your Caddie!

*Disclaimer: This is in no way a diss to actual caddies. Just a comparison for life. Also, caddy vs caddie... this is my choice.

Today, I saw myself becoming involved in someone’s plans to help them accomplish their goals and become what they wanted to be. At the same time, I saw how I was placing myself on the backburner to help them, again. It’s crazy how we think it’s okay to put ourselves on the back burner all the time because we think that eventually we have to come back and clean the stove and take care of everything on it, including ourselves. (Well, you should be cleaning the stove at some point… hella judgment if you don’t.) But that’s not how it works. Once we’re finished helping everyone else, what energy is left to help ourselves?

In this particular situation, I didn’t just see myself on the backburner; I saw myself as a caddie. For those who are unaware, a caddie is defined as the person who carries a player’s bag and clubs, and gives the player advice and moral support. Being a caddie doesn’t seem that bad when you understand the role of an actual caddie and watch them in action. Except that, you don’t get paid a handsome salary to follow Tiger Woods and you are losing yourself while overextending yourself to everyone else. During this journey of healing from breast cancer, I’ve realized that I don’t have time to carry the load for anyone else; I barely have the energy to show up for myself sometimes. This journey is all about me and your journey needs to be all about you.

Is putting yourself first selfish? I don’t think so. I consider it more selfish for one to continue to be more concerned about other’s profits and pleasures while continuing to deny themselves the right to be who they were created to be and to be happy. Why? It’s like that one Friends episode, “The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS.” Phoebe and Joey had a battle of good deeds vs selfless acts. Long story short, Joey convinces Phoebe that we’re all selfish and people only do things for others for their personal pleasures.

Deciding that I’m not a caddie is not selfish but a form of self-love. It’s realizing that I am important enough to love first and apart from loving myself I can’t genuinely love anyone else, wholeheartedly. One of the greatest commandments in the Bible is to love your neighbor as yourself. If you don’t take the time to love yourself and invest in yourself, are you truly loving those around you? How can you if you really don’t love yourself?

It’s time that you take the time to invest in yourself, your healing, and your joy. You have to take the time to put yourself at the forefront. I know, it’s easier said than done but think about it like this, if you don’t focus on YOU now, everyone will have to focus on you later, at your funeral. I hate to have to go so dark but it’s true.

How do we get there? Here are a few things that have been helping me:

1. Look in the mirror, make eye contact with yourself and say, “I love you.” Now, if you’ve been in tune with your emotional side like I have, you’ll need some tissue on hand. Something about looking in the mirror and facing yourself is challenging but amazing at the same time.

2. If it’s too hard to look at yourself, start with acknowledging a feature that you critiqued in the past. For me, it was my chest. I have big boobs so I will literally cradle my girls like a baby and pour love into them, especially the boob carrying the tumor. This is new for me because I was ready for a breast reduction at 15 and talked so badly about my chest.

3. Take some time to meditate and repeat this until you feel it, “I am healed. I am whole. I am loved.” Meditating on this until I feel it in my bones empowers me and helps me to become more in tune with myself.

4. Speaking of bones, start speaking positive, healing words over yourself. Proverbs 16:24 says “Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.” Learn to encourage yourself.

5. Make time to do one thing that you haven’t done in a while and have been putting off. Not just anything, something that makes your heart warm. Do it, without regrets.

Be a golfer and let’s give this self-love thing a swing! (Ace for the play on words for Keesh!)